“Those who are certain of the outcome can afford to wait, and wait without anxiety.”— Gabrielle Bernstein
When my (step) daughter was in fifth grade, her teacher called her dad one day with a hilarious story. She told him that our daughter said she wanted to go home because she wasn’t feeling well. When her teacher asked what was wrong she said, “Growing pains.”
My mom tells a story of when I was a kid and my grandma would babysit me after school. One day my grandma asked me how school was to which I replied, “Painful, grandma.”
While these are both hilarious and legendary tales in our family, as an adult, I think of them to be a true reflection of where we were as kids but also of where we are as adults. The only difference is that maybe as adults we don’t have that raw honesty. The school of learning and growth is uncomfortable and often not fun.
I’m in a stage right now of spiritual growth and in some ways it is painful. I also acknowledge that it’s a necessary pain. It’s not necessary to suffer but it’s necessary to be uncomfortable. Otherwise, if growth were easy we’d all do it and this school of life wouldn’t have the depth of lessons we need to evolve as souls.
However, even knowing this, I hate this discomfort. I hate the anxiety of waiting. I am doing everything I can to visualize, be faithful, and take the right actions. When things don’t happen quickly enough, I get caught up in wondering where my goals are. Why am I not manifesting anything? Why do I feel so stuck even though I’m doing my best? Is there something wrong with me?
Like so many of us, it’s clear that in this lifetime I am meant to learn how to surrender and be patient. Nonetheless, I often feel like I’m off balance and fighting myself. I say my daily prayers, do my meditations, use affirmations, work out multiple times a week (or day), etc. I have found that while I’m able to get centered, something will click and I’ll quickly become a ball of nerves as the anticipation of the unknown wraps me back into an unsettled confusion.
This is the point when I remind myself, Misty, not everything is in your control. Do your best, get grounded, and surrender. To which the nervous system in my body screams, ahhhhhhhh!!!! I don’t like this!!!
Given this see-saw of emotions and physical sensations, I decided to get curious.
How can I learn to calm all this anxiety by being more patient? I certainly believe that God always provides. I’ve seen miracles too often in my own life and the lives of others not to believe that. But how can I relax while I wait?
“A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next.”
― George Mumford, The Mindful Athlete: Secrets to Pure Performance
4 Keys to Being More Patient
1. Love yourself.
It’s tempting to think that I’m in total control and therefore not doing the right things when I don’t see the results I want. It’s also easy to think there’s something wrong with me or I’m not talented enough, people don’t like me, or that I have bad luck. All BS negative self-talk that is completely unhelpful. But when things don’t happen in the timeline that I want, I start to blame myself. So in these moments, I have to shut down those negative thoughts and love myself more.
I validate and respect the lessons I’m learning and I love myself for being brave enough to face this discomfort. I see you. I hear you. I know you’re doing your best. Thank you for being patient while things unfold. You’re safe.
2. Let go of the outcome.
If I’m being honest, I’m often in total resilience to letting go. It’s like if I’m holding on tight to a basketball and my brain is telling me to let go, but my grip won’t ease for fear of dropping it. I know if I let go, the ball will bounce, but somewhere something is happening to keep me from trusting that.
Impatience and anxiety come from wondering when something is going to happen, and how it’s going to happen. It’s a state of mind where you focus on the future, what you don’t have, and what you can’t control. In essence, you’re telling the universe, I don’t trust you.
You’re shutting down your true spiritual nature in lieu of your ego. It’s a habit that is part of being human, but it’s also one of the greatest lessons that each and every one of us can stand to learn from.
When taking action that’s aligned on purpose with your callings, be in the moment doing the best you can. Instead of getting lost in thoughts about how you’re doing and what the outcome of your action will be, just let go and be focused on serving and performing at your best. This builds your confidence but also calms your nerves. You create a free-flowing space where you can be and do without the pressure of when and how.
3. Remove the “I.”
Dr. Wayne Dyer once famously said, “If you knew who walked beside you at all times, on the path that you have chosen, you could never experience fear or doubt again.”
In the book, The Four Agreements, author Don Miguel Ruiz writes about the second agreement, which is “Don’t take anything personally.”
Part of being impatient and the anxiety that it arouses is because we take things too personally. We take the divine out of the equation and place everything in our sole control. I refer to this as getting stuck in “ego land.” This is a mental state in which I am only focused on my efforts and the outcome and therefore disconnected from my source.
It feels contradictory. I believe that we’re right where we’re supposed to be, even when things don’t work out as planned. I am faithful in the unseen but I’m working on fully trusting that at all times. That being said, I also have this anxious and insecure habit of thinking that when I’m in an uncomfortable place, that it’s some sort of punishment. Even if I’m doing my absolute best, it’s not enough. Cue the negative self-deprecating talk.
Here’s the thing: We all have free will which means that we are in charge of the actions we take and the consequences of those actions. However, if you’re doing absolutely everything you can to the best of your ability, the only thing left is the faith that you’re right where you’re supposed to be and that you’ll end up right where you’re supposed to be.
It can be hard to accept that you’re only human and the best action is surrender. Dr. Dyer famously spoke about how when he finally surrendered and let go of his attachment to the outcome, the very thing that he was looking for and/or needed would show up time and time again. I am working on this for myself.
Lately, I’m affirming to God and the universe, “Thank you. Whatever you want.” Meaning that I’m doing my best to be present, grateful, loving, and not take things personally. I focus on the next best step and surrender to the outcome.
4. Get grounded and relax the body.
Along my journey, as I alluded to earlier, I’ve noticed that my body reacts to the fear of the unknown. I feel as if I’m jittery on the inside and in a constant fluctuation of fight or flight. Sometimes I’ll fall asleep completely comfortably and at peace, but wake up in a panic. In short, I physically don’t feel safe when I can’t see progress.
Patience is a mindset but it’s also an action. It’s taking a few deep breaths and calming down the nervous system so as to lessen the stress hormones that send your emotions and thoughts into a whirlwind.
Here are a few grounding techniques that can help you alleviate anxiety and relax into patience:
- Mantra meditation. Repeat affirmations as you inhale and exhale.
- Be in nature. Take a mindful walk, walk barefoot in the grass, or sit near a tree.
- Journal. Physically release your stress by writing out everything that’s on your mind. For maximum benefit, write by hand when/if possible.
- Listen to calming music.
- Talk to someone. Instead of holding everything in and bottling up all that energy, connect with someone.
- Breathe. No agenda, no counting, nothing to do, and nowhere to be. Just breathe.
I hope these tips on how to wait without anxiety and have more patience help you as they are helping me along my journey. There’s no perfect toolkit. You just have to find what works for you, but don’t give up. Peace is within.