“You can’t heal what you don’t reveal.”
– Kevin Love
Let’s face it; opening up to someone and asking for help isn’t usually easy. Asking for help isn’t always easy. Why? Because you might have to swallow your pride and admit that you need assistance from someone when every cell in your body is in resistance. And then there’s the added layer of admitting to yourself that there is a problem that you can’t solve on your own.
When you’re an independent person, asking for help or trusting someone enough to share your problems can feel like it goes against everything that you feel that you are. It means you have to break down the barrier to admit to yourself that there’s something you can’t handle on your own, which can be ego crushing. It also might mean facing a fear that by opening up to someone, his or her perception of you might change. For example, what if they think you’re weak or not smart enough to handle something on your own?
We all have an inner dialogue—and some people choose to keep that to themselves more than others. The question is: How do you get to the root of what’s underneath those swirling thoughts and how do you ask for help in doing so?
First, let’s look at a couple of common communication styles and blocks.
The “I’ll figure it out myself” Mentality
So many of us were raised on the, “figure it out for yourself” mentality that was either directly taught by a person of influence, indirectly learned in an environment, or just the individual’s personality. In this case, self-resiliency is a top personal value. Additionally, the individual may feel like they have to be strong enough to bear the weight of their problems on their own.
For example—and as much as I try not to generalize, these are common excuses that I have heard—a man might think, “I need to man up and figure this out on my own. I have to be the stronger person” whereas a woman might think, “If I go to someone for help, they’ll think I’m weak and incapable of being independent.”
The “I just need to be heard” Mentality
Different people have different communication styles. While some people might hold in everything they are truly feeling or thinking, others might be more expressive. For the latter, these people might need to vent. That doesn’t always mean they know who to go to or who to ask for help. This individual might need to be heard yet at the same time feel that by talking, they are burdening the person on the receiving end. Furthermore, they might feel guilty after opening up, leading them to shy away from communicating in the future.
3 Mindset Shifts Around Asking for Help
Before you can actually approach someone to ask for help, you will probably want to figure out how to feel comfortable doing so. A mindset shift will not only give you courage in the moment, but it can build long-term confidence.
1. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re dependent on someone else.
Asking for and receiving help doesn’t mean you’re weak, broken, incapable, helpless, or any of the other stories that we tell ourselves. Think about it this way, people can listen to you, but the only person who can really take action is you, so you’re still in control here. You’re in control in asking for help (again, no one can do this for you) and you’re in control in choosing what to do with the support that you get. You’re always in the driver’s seat.
New thought: Asking for help can open up the door to the answer I’m looking for.
2. Talking brings clarity.
Talking things out often brings clarity to the person who is speaking. In mental health coaching, one of the parts that is the most impactful is called reflecting. I will listen to the person who is speaking and then reflect back to them what they said. This is powerful because people don’t often listen to themselves speak so when they hear their own words, it resonates differently. Also, the sheer act of having the room to sit in a space where you can speak freely can give clarity in a way that the thoughts swirling around your head just can’t do.
New thought: Talking things out will help me see my issue and resolution more clearly.
3. Sharing can strengthen bonds.
If you’re afraid of speaking because you fear the person’s perception of you may change, keep in mind that sharing your problems or feelings with someone can strengthen your bond with them through building trust. They may also provide relief by not only being understanding but perhaps also by sharing something similar that they have experienced. And if they show you that you can’t trust them with your problems, then that should go to show you where they should stand in your life. Capiche?
New thought: Trust in relationships is the key to success.
5 Steps to Asking for Help
1. Practice with a professional. –The easiest place to start is with a mental health professional or a coach who can help you ease into opening up in a safe place and then create a plan to open up to people in your personal life. Just like you would seek out the right coach, nutritionist, strength trainer, etc., it’s wise to add someone to your team who can help with mental health.
2. Choose your circle wisely. – Not everyone is ready, prepared, willing, and able to listen and lend a helping hand. How do you know whom to trust? That’s not always a clear call. Sometimes, the person who you think would be there for you won’t be, and sometimes the person who think would never understand, turns out to be the most understanding person. So, what do you do? Start with baby steps. Try telling the person about something simple. For example, talk about an annoying teammate who frustrates you. When you learn you can trust someone to listen to you, it’s easier for the little, more superficial conversations to evolve into bigger ones.
3. Have a plan of what you’ll say and how you’ll say it. – While you can’t script out a conversation with another person in real life, you can figure out an opening line or a starting place. For instance, you may want to write a note in your phone with what’s on your mind. Then, you may choose to text the person, “Hey, I’m having a rough day. Want to grab dinner later?” Of course, you can choose to word this any way that you want, but the point is to open the door by letting the person know that you need to talk and that they are the person you want to talk to. Then, have some wording organized so that when the time for the conversation comes, you have an idea of what it is you want to say to start with.
4. Remind yourself of your new thought habits. – They’re called habits for a reason. Put yourself in the right mindset before the conversation. That might mean repeating affirmations, reminding yourself why it’s important to have the conversation, or even listening to a hype song. Whatever helps you build confidence, do that.
5. Commit to speaking your truth in the moment. – The hardest part isn’t always finding the courage in the moment, it can be finding the words. There are a couple of ways to help with this. For starters, consider journaling or taking down notes about what’s on your mind that way you have pre-formulated words. Secondly, give yourself permission to let things flow. Open up with what’s really on your heart and your mind (this way there’s no avoiding it later in the conversation) and then see where the conversation takes you.
Want more support in learning how to open up? Contact me about mental health coaching.