Anxiety or stress due to expectations is extremely common. Expectations are ideas of what we believe will happen but yet are still unproven. Sometimes our expectations are conscious and sometimes they are unconscious. Sometimes expectations are projected from ourselves, and sometimes they are projected from other people and we adapt them.
Why does stress or anxiety due to expectations occur?
Many people experience stress or anxiety due to expectations and may not even realize it. How and why does this happen?
“Expectations are real physical pathways in the brain. Each brain built its pathways from its own past experience. Each release of pleasure or pain connected neurons that guide expectations about future pleasure and pain. … If there’s a reasonable match between expected and actual, your brain releases a bit of dopamine and moves on. If it’s a bad match, cortisol is released, which motivates closer inspection. Cortisol helps us avoid being misled by false expectations, but it’s also the root of anxiety.”
– Loretta G. Breuning Ph.D., author of the article, “Stop Anxiety by Adjusting Expectations”
What this means is that, as I’ve spoken about before, we adopt beliefs based on experiences and these beliefs, good or bad, become the lenses (or expectations) of how we view every part of our days.
The learned anticipation of what we expect—when it’s something we don’t want—can cause stress and anxiety. (Check out this article on anticipatory anxiety.)
Luckily, our brains are super smart and include this thing called neuroplasticity, which simply means that we have the ability to change and rewire it. So, you’re not stuck. You have the ability to transform negative thought habits, which is pretty cool.
Part of this means that you have to be able to pause to recognize when anxiety or stress due to expectations is occurring. This is because the only want to fix a problem is to recognize that it’s happening in the first place. That can be hard to do in the moment. For example, for many people, myself included, when anxiety strikes, it’s often because I’m expecting disaster to unfold. It sets off a mental, emotional, and sometimes physical series of extremely uncomfortable feelings.
In those moments, it can be difficult to stop the anxiety train because that’s what you are accustomed to, and in some ways, you’re comfortable with it. It keeps you safe, right?
One way to help your mind and body slow down in these moments is to practice mindfulness and meditation. This is a tool to help heighten your self-awareness, but also to help slow down your brain and even your reactions.
Reforming unconscious expectations aside, sometimes we experience stress or anxiety due to expectations that are right in front of our faces. The most common sources are from goals, other people, and ourselves.
Here are some ways that you can help set healthy expectations:
Setting Healthy Expectations for Your Goals
Everyone has goals. Everyone needs goals. Even if your ideal situation is to sit still and do nothing, it’s still an objective that you’re wishing to obtain.
I really believe that among the biggest issues plaguing people today is the need for instant everything, but also the pressure to be more, do more, have more, and be this unicorn superhero version of yourself.
Here is one remedy for setting expectations for your goals… and you may not like it.
Be patient. See it through and give yourself time to do so. Deadlines are great and all, but if they make you feel like failure or cause anxiousness, adjust your idea of your timeline. The days and weeks can be grueling and fleeting, yet the sum of your efforts adds up. You’re likely to hit many, many blocks and “no’s” on your way to wherever it is you’re seeking to go.
No one plants a seed one day and expects a blooming, shady tree in a week. Our lives are like the rings on tree trunks. It takes time to grow and develop with proper nurturing. You might lose a branch here or there, but you’ll be okay. You’ll still grow. That’s nature. That’s life.
Setting Healthy Expectations with Other People
“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” ― Bruce Lee
We expect things of people and they expect things of us. Sometimes, those things don’t match up. We can wind up feeling inadequate and frustrated.
Your success is not dependent on anyone else. Likewise, their success is not dependent on you. It’s called free will.
It seems like a straightforward enough concept. However, the emotional ties are often what keep you in patterns. The emotional part can be tougher to breakthrough because no one wants to disappoint the people who they love and trust. Well, if they stop loving you, they don’t deserve your love either.
On the other hand, if you have anxiety because you have a need to control people, places, and things, maybe it’s time to examine what it would be like if you let go of that. Let’s go back to the idea of free will.
Other people are responsible for their choices and actions, which means it’s not a reflection of you. So, if they don’t do or say what you would, that falls on them. You get to choose how much involvement you want in that relationship. Likewise, they get to choose if they want to continue to meet your expectations and what kind of involvement they want in a relationship with you too.
Whether you need to let go of the expectations you put on others, or you need to let go of the expectations others put on you, try repeating this affirmation.
Affirm: My life is mine.
Setting Healthy Expectations with Yourself
This one is my favorite topics. If you’re like me, a lot of times your anxiety comes from being so damn hard on yourself. I don’t know where my tough-gal complex originated. What I do know is sometimes it serves me well, but other times, I let it feed my ego and insecurities.
I expect myself to do everything and meet every expectation and be there for others and reach new goals. The webs of what I expect of myself are complex. It ranges widely and deeply from wanting everyone to be happy to proving myself as a business owner to giving my family my best to making sure my physical appearance is a certain way. And you know what happens when I chase these expectations obsessively? I lose focus of myself.
Not only do I not feel grounded nor safe, I literally collapse. Just the other day I spent the entire day sleeping because my body made me.
You won’t meet every expectation every day. That is such a hard pill to swallow but somewhere you have to find ways to accept that humans are imperfect beings with the best of intentions. It takes an effort to learn to love your self every day, which is where taking the time for self-care becomes so important.
Self-care is about setting healthy expectations for your routine. Try setting caring expectations in addition to all of the challenging ones. Here are some examples:
- I expect that I will keep my exercise schedule so that I can clear my head.
- I expect that I will take 15 minutes to take a bath on Monday nights to congratulate myself on making it through the first day of the week and to prepare for the rest of the week.
- I expect that I will put my phone away for date night.
- I expect that I will disconnect from technology at least two hours before bed.
- I expect that when I wake up in the morning, I will give myself an hour or two to get through my routine before I start answering text messages and emails.
- I expect that my brain can accept doing one thing a time.
- I expect to use meditation to help slow down my thoughts and bring me clarity.
- I expect myself to set space and time boundaries.
- I expect to have downtime several times a week to recharge.
Conversely, maybe you struggle with positivity. Here are some expectations you can try to adopt:
- I expect that I will do my best.
- I expect that things will always work out in the end.
- I expect that everything will be okay again.
- I expect that if I put in the effort, I will see results, no matter how slowly.
- I expect to love myself.
See where I’m going with all of this? If you’re stressed or anxious or struggling with mental wellness, take time to think about what are you expecting and how that is affecting how you feel.
Want more help with this? Contact me for more information on athlete mental wellness coaching.