Mental health conversations are becoming increasingly normal and many people are opening up about issues like depression and anxiety. Still, many men struggle in silence out of fear of disappointing those around them and not living up to the standards of what it means to be a man. Even with today’s open conversations, men are still having a hard time speaking up and being vulnerable.  

“It means I’m weak and I’m failing them.” 

A client once confided in me that he felt like he couldn’t share his problems with his wife. To him, opening up would mean being vulnerable and that would mean he’s weak and failing his family. As he said it, he sounded despondent as if he just confessed something that he couldn’t believe he was finally saying out loud. His wife offers a safe space for him and is constantly asking him to share, but he often responds with “I’m fine” because it’s his job to deal with whatever is going on.

It’s not the first time I’ve heard this, and I’m certain it won’t be the last. No one likes to feel uncomfortable or vulnerable. Think for a moment about what it takes to say something like this when you’re someone who protects your image and identity because you feel like your main job is to produce results. If you’re not feeling your best, you’re not producing. For many men, that’s a crisis.

In all my years of working with men and as a married woman, I fully understand that many men won’t open up to just anybody. It takes being in a confidential safe space of nonjudgement with a trusted ally. Oftentimes, it might take weeks or months for a client to trust me enough to open up about their vulnerabilities. But, why is that? For one, identity.

Sports and Masculinity

All men face the battle of what it means to be a man. One space we see this is in sports.

In the book, Better Boys, Better Men, Jesse Steinfeldt, a psychology professor and director of Indiana University’s Sport and Performance Training Practicum, is quoted as saying, “It’s very hard for these young guys. When we talk about compartmentalizing instrumental aggression, we’re talking about an advanced skill level. Once that genie gets unleashed from the bottle for a lot of high school and even college athletes, it’s hard to get back in. These notions of courage and bravery they’re taught can be warped.”

As Steinfeldt also says in the book in the findings of his research, “Ultimately, gender role conflict comes from the coach who sets the climate for his team.”

One coach who is changing the narrative in this area is Miami Dolphins Head Coach, Mike McDaniel. If you watched the 2023 Hard Knocks, you got a glimpse into this “new” coaching style.

“Maybe it makes you feel better if you scream at somebody, but I want to have something that will help somebody. And it’s not because I’m trying to be nice to them. It’s because I’m trying to coach them,” McDaniel was quoted as saying in a Huffington Post article in 2022. He goes on to say, “I just try to do things for the right reasons. Sometimes that works out. Sometimes it doesn’t. People are counting on you to try to make them better. So that’s all I really worry about.”

Still, while we are beginning to shift in sports organizations’ culture to embrace a more empathetic and human-first way of coaching athletes, the reality is that many athletes still choose to keep their struggles private. The same can be said for what men learn about vulnerability in their upbringing and beyond. 

Why do men struggle to be vulnerable?

Everywhere we look, men are taught to be strong and carry the weight of their loved ones on their shoulders. I hate to use such heated words, but similar to the infamous phrase, “shut up and dribble,” many men are taught to approach all of life with that same attitude. 

To them, “being a man” means you have to suck it up no matter what, hold in your feelings because no one really wants to hear it, be stoic, do the work, and provide. Many men feel like they either fit under the label of “weak” or “strong” and it’s all based on the results of their efforts and their ability to provide. There is no in-between. 

This deeply woven belief may be attributed to society, family, evolution, or other factors. It’s hard to say because each person is different. Regardless of how someone learns this, it’s perhaps instinctively woven within their psyche and being. 

“Men this age will frequently meet their friends for a beer, but their conversations stay mired at a safe distance in sports, politics, work, and anecdotes that allow them to ‘flex’ or show off to reinforce their masculine status. When they do broach personal struggles, it’s far more common for their friends to follow the script, offering solutions but not emotional support. That’s a big part of the problem.” – Andrew Reiner, Better Boys Better Men

How can men learn to be vulnerable?

Trust is easier said than done. It’s a big word, isn’t it? Trust is hard to earn and easy to lose. Just like anything else, you can build trust in yourself and in your support team by going one step at a time. Think of it like a tactical plan. 

8 steps to embrace vulnerability:

1. Make the decision. The first step is to decide that you’re willing to do the work to break through your discomfort. No one can do anything for you if you’re first not willing to help yourself. To help motivate yourself, visualize the outcome, just as you might when visualizing in sports. What if by talking to someone, you feel a weight lifted off your shoulders? What would it feel like to unpack the heavy stuff that burdens you? Imagine what that would feel like. Use the connection to this feeling to foster inner courage.
2. Have a growth mindset. Just because you’ve always handled things on your own, and that’s what feels the most comfortable, it doesn’t mean it’s the best long-term solution. Take a couple of bricks out of the wall that you’ve built to protect yourself by going slow. Get into a growth mindset where you’re able to embrace new opportunities to build your inner strength. 
3. Ask for help. The next step is to ask for help from a trusted source where you feel safe and validated. This is one reason why coaches and therapists are a great place to start because you’ll be able to maintain confidentiality. They can provide a space just for you. This might be one of the hardest steps of all because you’re going outside of your comfort zone to ask for assistance when your nervous system is probably way more comfortable holding it all in. But think of it this way: Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re depending on anyone else to solve your problems. It just means you’re willing to fight for your well-being. Asking for help isn’t weak; it’s fighting for yourself.
4. Be open. When you first reach out for help, try different avenues and have an open mind. Go into the process with an intention to be open as best as you can. Keep in mind that the inner work lasts a lifetime and takes just as much, sometimes more, discipline than physical training. Be open to your journey because in the big picture, it will best serve you, but also those around you. 
5. Say what you need to say. The act of speaking things out has been shown to reduce stress. When you speak, you are acknowledging your emotions and you’re connecting with another human being, both of which have profound benefits. If you just need the person to listen, then say that. “Hey, I just need to vent for a minute. I don’t need a solution. I just need to get this off my chest.” But, if you need to brainstorm solutions, say that! 
6. Check your self-judgment at the door. One of the most difficult parts about being vulnerable is that we are opening up the door to voicing the things that we judge ourselves so harshly for. Adding to that, we might fear that others are silently judging us. This is why it’s so important to find a safe space where you feel supported. When others accept you as you are, you’ll have an easier time accepting yourself. 
7. Your inner peace is yours. Speaking of judgments, remember that your inner peace should not be dependent on anything external. It’s not your job to keep everyone else’s peace if it costs you your own. You can’t save everyone if you lose yourself. Work on accepting that. 
8. Look at the bigger picture. Last but not least, you are more than the outcomes you produce or what you provide to others. You are a whole human being so bring that into your awareness.

How can I help the men in my life open up? 

The first step is to listen without judgment, but also provide words of affirmation. Everyone wants to feel seen, heard, validated, and supported. That’s the basis for creating a safe and trusting relationship.

If you tell someone you’re there for them, they open up and share their feelings, and then you shut them down by telling them not to feel that way or poking fun at them, they will likely just nod their heads and make an internal note not to tell you anything again. The problem is that they will go back to struggling in silence.

Instead, be open to listening, and regardless of how you view the situation, let them know you understand and you hear what they are saying.  

People don’t always want a solution. Sometimes, they just want to feel heard and validated. It’s really that simple. 

At the end of my coaching session with the man I first quoted in this article, shared that he felt an instant sense of relief.

“After I said that, I immediately felt more relaxed. It was like some of the weight was lifted off my shoulders.”

In that session, all I did was listen with an understanding ear, offer words of affirmation, and validate his concerns. Sometimes that’s all someone needs to begin to gain a sense of relief and create a new breakthrough. 

Unlocking Inner Peace, Unleashing Performance

If you’re looking for a safe space for confidential conversations, contact me to learn more about our one-on-one coaching programs. We strive to help you create inner peace combined with tools to assist you with mental performance. For us, it’s about creating goals for holistic inner and outer results in an environment where you have the opportunity to be authentically yourself without apology.

Credit: Photo by Vinicius “amnx” Amano on Unsplash