Perfectionism is plaguing our society in both adults and children at higher rates than ever before. Athletes of all ages and levels are more pressured than ever to achieve—and doing so in a very public social media driven-world—leading many to have a greater fear of making a mistake.

Types of Perfectionism

First, let’s look at the difference in the types of perfectionism. There are a couple of different schools of thought here.

For starters, there are researchers who have identified two main types of perfectionism: positive and negative. One study cited research that defines positive perfection as having a “high-level of personal standards and trying to be the best” and being adaptive. The same research defined negative perfectionism as related to “prefectural worries such as worries about make mistakes, uncertainty, and fear of the others judgments and disharmony of expects and results” in which the person is maladaptive.

In other articles, three types of perfectionism are commonly identified:

• Self-oriented perfectionism – Set high standards for themselves, typically show more positive emotion, are highly motivated; and more adaptive which helps with productivity and success
• Socially prescribed – Self-critical; fears others will reject them if they aren’t the best; perceiving excessive expectations from others
• Other-oriented – Placing unrealistic standards on others

Can perfectionism affect your mental health?

Dr. Paul Hewitt, PhD, who has been studying perfectionism for over two decades, is among the leading experts on how perfectionism affects mental health. In one article featured by the American Psychological Association, he spoke about how over the years he has found that perfectionism correlates with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems.

While it’s important to reiterate that not all perfectionism struggles will lead to mental health issues, for the purpose of the remainder of this article, we’ll focus on the growing problem with perfectionism and what we can do about it.

Consider the following:

The pressure to be perfect is increasing.

A study of college students by the American Psychological Association found that between 1989 and 2016, the self-oriented perfectionism (an irrational desire to be perfect) score increased by 10 percent, socially prescribed (perceiving excessive expectations from others) increased by 33 percent and other-oriented (placing unrealistic standards on others) increased by 16 percent.

In that same article, Dr. Thomas Curran states, “Meritocracy places a strong need for young people to strive, perform and achieve in modern life. Young people are responding by reporting increasingly unrealistic educational and professional expectations for themselves. As a result, perfectionism is rising among millennials.” He goes on to point out that, “Today’s young people are competing with each other in order to meet societal pressures to succeed and they feel that perfectionism is necessary in order to feel safe, socially connected and of worth.”

What I find interesting is that although this study was concluded in 2016, I think these numbers are reflective of what we’re seeing now in 2022. On one hand, adolescents and young adults are still facing this pressure, and on the other, these individuals are growing up and entering their professions, many of who will likely bring the perfectionist pressure into their careers. Case in point, more and more at thletes at the collegiate level and pro level are admitting that perfectionism is something that they struggle with.

Our free time is no longer free.

“Perfectionistic tendencies have increased substantially among children and teens over the last 30 years. Now, as many as 2 in 5 kids are perfectionists. Researchers say that increased academic pressure and less time for free play and unstructured activity may be contributing to the rise in perfectionism.”

Jennifer L.W. Fink, RN, BSN, “9 Surprising Facts About Perfectionism”

When I was growing up the only phone we had was the one in the house. That meant that if we weren’t home you weren’t answering your phone. You were free to just be where you were whether that was outside playing at a friend’s house or at a family dinner. We were free to be mentally disconnected and take a break. Today we’re so connected that it’s especially hard for us to disconnect and just be. Before, free time was a given. Today, free time is something that we have to schedule and then we feel guilty about it because it means that we’re not making progress and doing something productive. I believe this is also leading us to feel lonely and isolated in our experience.

We’re more connected than ever but also lonelier than ever as we strive to stand out among the crowd.

Perfectionism can also be something that makes us feel really lonely. We are relying on ourselves to do more, be more and achieve more. Pressure can feel like it’s mounting from every direction.

From the public display of success that’s paraded on social media, along with the fact that, naturally, the bar for achievement gets raised higher and higher with each passing year, many of us are just trying to keep up. The constant pursuit of something greater can leave us feeling like we are inadequate but also alone in trying to live up to impossibly high standards. This sense of being overwhelmed and consumed by striving for achievement may lead us to be less connected to others because we don’t have the energy, time, or vulnerability to reach out to others.

In the results of a Harvard research study released last year, “43% of young adults reported increases in loneliness since the outbreak of the pandemic. About half of lonely young adults in our survey reported that no one in the past few weeks had ‘taken more than just a few minutes’ to ask how they are doing in a way that made them feel like the person ‘genuinely cared.’”

This same study also reported that in a national survey of American adults, “36% of respondents reported serious loneliness—feeling lonely ‘frequently’ or ‘almost all the time or all the time’ in the four weeks prior to the survey. This included 61% of young people aged 18-25 and 51% of mothers with young children.”

What’s driving perfectionism and causing burnout?

Achievement and constant connection have slid their way to the top of our society’s values list. And it comes with a heavy price; we’re under more pressure than ever to not just do more but to make everything happen according to plan.

On the surface, we know it’s impossible to get everything right. We can’t be everything to everyone and we can’t do everything. We can’t control everything and we’re not robots. We’re going to make mistakes and we’re not going to reach every goal, at least in the timeline that we envision. We know this. So, why can tell our friends this, but yet is it so hard to let our own walls down and accept when we miss the mark?

Comparison is one of the main drivers. Social media is in large part to blame, but it’s a tale as old as time. Social media showcases miniature snapshots of what we want the world to see and believe about us—just as we have been doing since the beginning of time, but on a much larger stage. And when we see how well others are doing and how great they look, we want that for ourselves. Our society has a long history of this that predates social media. It’s why terms like “keeping up with the Joneses” exist.

In light of this, we expect ourselves to keep up. Let’s be real for a moment, how often have you thought, “I’m drowning and I can’t keep up so I can’t slow down or take a break.” Or, “Free time is oddly weird and uncomfortable. My schedule has to be full so I’m always doing something, because there’s always something more to do.”

I think there is a balance here in walking through discomfort in order to grow and reach goals and overdoing it. My point here is that life is hard enough. We don’t have to make it harder by beating ourselves up. In fact, sometimes not reaching a goal is actually a gift. Secondly, we need to do a better job of supporting one another.

Perfectionism Solutions

The world is spinning so fast; the vast majority of it is out of our control. What is in our control is how we view ourselves on the inside, regardless of what’s going on the outside. Perfectionism solutions often begin with our mindset including our personal values and beliefs.

Here’s the big secret: You’re already a complete person.

What would happen if:

• Try loving yourself in this moment exactly where you are and for who you are. We all make mistakes, and we all want to feel peaceful, loved, etc. Start with your inner work. Love yourself more and be more self-compassionate. There’s tremendous freedom in that.
• What if you went easier on yourself while you pursued goals?  
• What if you allowed yourself to be disappointed when things don’t go as planned or you make a mistake, and then decide to love yourself anyway, accept the situation for what it is, learn what you can do better, and move forward?
• View the situation for what it is: a challenge. Life is full of challenges and ups and downs. Hardships are inevitable. You won’t get everything you want all of the time. However, you can choose how you want to view an obstacle and then choose your next steps.
• Understand that your value as a person is not in things. You are not your failures or your mistakes. Life is a long time. There’s much more joy to be had if you stick it out.
• Learn to let go. If it doesn’t serve you well, let it go. This includes holding on to the past or beating yourself up over a mistake. Unblock your path.
• It’ll be okay and good things will come your way, just maybe not exactly as you planned. That’s the beautiful part about life.

It’s all about choosing the right mindset—notice I wrote “choosing” because in most cases, it is a choice. (The exception may be a mental health illness such as OCD, for which there are solutions but they may require additional support and resources. Keep in mind I’m not a licensed mental health professional so this is not medical advice nor a diagnosis.)

Repeat after me: “I am enough.” The words alone may not feel real, but there are ways that you can begin to accept this phrase.

A technique that I love is called the Emotional Freedom Technique, otherwise known as EFT or Tapping. Check out an app called “The Tapping Solution” which has incredible tapping meditations including one called “You are enough,” which I have personally used.

I would also highly recommend working with a mental health professional that can help you talk through why you feel so much pressure, and what to do about it in a space that’s reserved just for you.

In addition, I think moderated peer groups can also be helpful because sharing experiences brings us together and lets us know we’re not alone. It allows us to feel supported, understood and loved. Peer acceptance can be a huge boost in overcoming perfectionism.

Want more help with improving your mindset around perfectionism and achievement? Would you like a workshop for your team or organization on this topic? Contact me.