Why Many Men Struggle with Emotional Support

I’ll just get this out there: I get that it’s probably ironic that a woman is writing an article about how men struggle with their emotions. Nevertheless, my intention here is to hold a healing space. If I am to succeed in my mission of providing a Safe Space for Courageous Conversations for athletes, then I must be aware and respectful of the different challenges that different individuals face.

For most of my life, I’ve heard men struggle to get the words out, including those close to me like my husband. Vulnerability, it appears, is somehow publicly disgraceful, sometimes even within the walls of one’s own home. The paradox is that on the inside, emotions exist even when you try to talk yourself out of them. And most men, deep down, really want to be able to face how they are feeling with trusted confidants while somehow still upholding what it means to “be a man.” It has been described as a much wanted but seemingly impossible to reach goal.

*I’d like to pause here to note that I understand this experience is not representative of every male, however, it is a widespread issue.

Everywhere you look, there are examples of men talking about why men struggle with emotions:

“Men were taught to be tough, men were taught to be silent, men were taught to figure it out on their own.” – Paul Mulbah Jr., a violence prevention specialist

“In the research, boys ages ten to thirteen said they feel pressure to be physical strong and to play sports. The stakes get higher for boys ages fourteen to nineteen, who feel most pressure to appear physically strong, to play sports to be willing to ‘punch someone if provoked’ and to ‘dominate’ other males. A third of adolescent boys believed they should ‘hide or suppress their feelings when they feel sad or scared.’ Perhaps most revealing, nearly half of the older boys said they ‘want to learn more’ about having the ‘right’ to feel all of their emotions.” – Andrew Reiner as written in his book, Better Boys Better Men

“As men, we are continually being plagued by calls to toughen up and be a man. That toxic masculinity plays a huge role in keeping us from speaking out about the battles we face internally.” – Marcus Smith II, Retired NFL Player

“I was 20 or 21 years old, and I’d grown up around basketball. And on basketball teams? Nobody talked about what they were struggling with on the inside. I remember thinking, What are my problems? I’m healthy. I play basketball for a living. What do I have to worry about? I’d never heard of any pro athlete talking about mental health, and I didn’t want to be the only one. I didn’t want to look weak. Honestly, I just didn’t think I needed it. It’s like the playbook said — figure it out on your own, like everyone else around me always had.” – Kevin Love, NBA Player

There are also plenty of examples of men sharing why it’s not only okay, but necessary to get help with their struggles:

“There seems to be a misconception about men and depression. From afar or from the ego, this is viewed as a female diagnosis. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard, ‘I am a football player 6-foot, 6-inches and 286lbs, no way I can be depressed.’ Truth is, depression has no discrimination. On the flip side, there is a very different display of signs and symptoms. According to the National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI), men who are depressed may appear to be angry or aggressive instead of sad, their families, friends, and even their doctors may not always recognize the anger or aggressive behavior as depression symptoms. Furthermore, men are less likely than women to recognize, talk about, and seek treatment for depression. Yet it is proven that depression affects a large number of men in today’s society than the past generations.” – James Harris, Men to Heal

“There’s a misconception that as men, we can handle everything. As young men and athletes, we’re trained to be mentally tough. We’re told to ‘fight through it.’ But we must be willing to ask for help.” – Terrell Owens

“I want people to know that there are spaces where you can be yourself, where you can feel understood and loved and know that there is help there for you. … The human experience includes an incredible amount of suffering, even if you’re living your dream.” – Colin Wilson

“But I’m not perpetually crazy. I had a moment. I got help for that moment. I got to know myself from that moment. And I’m still working through some things, no doubt. But for me, this is a start. I hope it helps somebody out there. If you’re f****** with this story, don’t do what I did. Get some help. Because you’re not crazy, dog. You’re not damaged. You’re just human like the rest of us.” – Ben Gordon

There are countless other examples. You just have to listen.

Keys to the game:

• I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… You don’t have to go public with your mental health struggles, but you don’t have to deal with them on your own either.
• You don’t have to wait for a “crisis” to deserve to get help. We all have things that we can heal and improve upon. So, go ahead and get the support. Don’t wait for things to blow up. Don’t risk losing it all.
• Fact: Confidential support is widely available.
• You don’t have to trust everyone, but you do deserve to find someone who you can trust to listen to you. That support is out there waiting for you.

Would you like help finding the right kind of support? Contact me about a complimentary and confidential one-on-one VIP coaching session. If I’m not the coach for you, I’ll share other resources like Hall of Fame Behavioral Health or Men to Heal.