How to Have Difficult Conversations

Athletes and professionals alike know the importance of communication skills. It’s easy to talk about fun topics, but there’s a different skill set for knowing how to have difficult conversations. Whether you need to address something with someone who is a superior (e.g., your coach or your boss), or you need to talk to a teammate or peer, learning how to prepare and effectively communicate can help ease your nerves and get your point across while maintaining strong relationships. 

Why It’s Important to Have Difficult Conversations

Effective communication isn’t just about conveying information; it’s about building trust, fostering teamwork, and maximizing performance. Difficult conversations, though challenging, are opportunities for growth and improvement both individually and as a team. In addition, knowing how to have tough talks can benefit your mental health.

The mental health benefits of having good communication skills are plentiful. First, you’ll limit stress and anxiety by being able to address problems instead of allowing them to grow and compound, which can affect your mental and emotional state. Secondly, you gain self-confidence when you speak up for yourself and your needs. This is extremely important because if you don’t feel like your voice is being heard, or you ignore communicating your thoughts, feelings, and needs, it can spiral into other problems. Eventually, everything you hold in will find an outlet, and sometimes, if you’re not careful, it may be an unhealthy one. 

Overall, a lack of communication can lead to issues like stress, anxiety, and even feelings of loneliness or isolation. If not managed properly, these can lead to unhealthy ways of relieving stress. 

How to Have a Difficult Conversation With a Superior

One of the top conversations that people fear is having one with someone of authority, whether that’s a boss, a coach, an administrator, etc. It can feel like there is a lot at stake and be a very intimidating situation. You may also not want to disappoint someone or feel like you’re causing any problems. However, the goal is not to damage a relationship, but rather continue to build one through honesty and authenticity. If you’re hesitant to have the conversation, the first step is to change your perspective. 

Common fears might be concerns like: 

• What if their opinion of me changes?
• What if they don’t act favorably? Is my position in jeopardy?
• What if they shut me down?
• What if they get angry?

Here’s the truth: People can’t read your mind. To you, your issue may be something that bothers you day in and day out, but it’s not necessarily something that anyone else sees or knows. The only solution is clear and considerate communication. We’re all humans.

Here are some points to consider:

• A conversation does not have to be a confrontation.
• No one can read your mind. Never assume someone knows what’s going on if you haven’t brought it up.
• You can’t predict someone’s reaction, but if you never ask, the answer will certainly be a “no.”

How to Have a Difficult Conversation With a Teammate

Your teammate is not just someone you have to count on, but also someone you share a common goal and bond with. Even if you’re not friends in your personal life, for the time that you’re working together, you’re connected. You have to find a way to move as one, which can be difficult when there are many personalities. 

The dynamic of a team is something that leaders spend a lot of time invested in. You strive to get everyone into a flow state. While individuals seek out peak performance, it’s also critical to keep in mind that when the team is gelling, everyone is better for it. 

To get there, it doesn’t just happen. You have to go beyond conversations about goals with deeper communication. Sometimes, that means having tough talks. 

Naturally, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or cause tension between teammates. Even if you are in a leadership role, approach the conversation as a peer who wants to address something for the benefit of both the team and the individual. People are most often willing to talk if they can sense that you are invested in their well-being. 

5 Tips to Help You Have a Difficult Conversation

Preparation can help you manage nerves and help you communicate effectively. Here are some tips to help you navigate hard conversations. 

1. Know what you want to say. Say what you mean and mean what you say. This is what my mom taught me. To do this, you have to be really clear on what you want to say in the conversation. You might want to try writing down the talking points and then deciding how you will open the conversation. Think about the main idea you want to express and any other points that you want to share. Use words that feel comfortable to you, but typically, the more direct you can be, the better. You don’t necessarily need to lead with a long explanation. This helps ensure that you get to the heart of it right away and that your main point or question is clear.

2. Be prepared to actively listen to them. When you open up a conversation with someone, it can be tempting to focus on all the points you want to make. While you certainly want to stay on task with the conversation, listen to the other person. For starters, you’d like them to give you the same courtesy. Secondly, you don’t want to misinterpret what they are saying because you aren’t fully listening.

3. Remember to acknowledge them and remain open. It feels good when we talk and what we’re saying is validated. You don’t necessarily have to agree with what the other person is saying. Still, if you validate them by saying things like “I understand your point” or “I hear what you’re saying” you’ll help them remain open to what you have to say in return. You can also reflect back to them by saying something like, “It sounds like you’re saying…” or “If I understand correctly…”. Additionally, remain open to what they are saying because there may be a point of view or solution that you haven’t thought of that will work for both of you.

4. Practice potential objections. I coached a multi-sport student-athlete who wanted to tell the coach of one team that she didn’t want to participate in the upcoming season. She was very nervous to tell the coach because he had remarked recently that they were looking forward to her leadership. She also felt like she was letting not only the coach down but her team too. To help her prepare, she and I practiced the conversation. I acted as her coach interjecting a couple of objections. This gave her the opportunity to build confidence in what she might say if objections were to occur. I encourage you to do the same. If you don’t have someone to practice with, you might try having the conversation looking in a mirror, or writing it out like a dialogue.

5. Let go of control. You can’t control outcomes and you can’t control other people. That thought can add extra stress. Consider, however, the relief you will find from saying what you need to say. It will likely benefit you regardless of the result or how the other person reacts. Don’t let a fear of the unknown or rejection hold you back from being honest with yourself and those around you. Your truth is your truth regardless of what other people do with that information. You can only control your actions and you owe it to yourself to address issues rather than feeling like you’re holding yourself back.

Here are some potential conversation starters for tough talks:

• Do you have a few minutes? I’d like to discuss something with you.
• Can I have a minute of your time? There’s something that’s on my mind.
• I have an idea I’d like to share with you. When is a good time to talk?
• Hi! Do you have a second? I have something I want to bring to your attention.

Be a leader in your life by learning to have challenging dialogues. The mental health benefits can make a big impact and so can the benefits of opening doors of communication. It’s better than “going with the flow” for the sake of avoiding a disagreement because while it may make your relationship with the other person “easier,” your relationship with yourself may suffer.