How to Spot and Support Someone with Depression

This is a conversation that needs to happen. This isn’t about preaching about depression and mental health; it’s because I lived it. When news hits that a celebrity has died from a suicide, the social media world lights up. We see legions of people who are saddened by the loss and who post the National Suicide Prevention Hotline number (1-800-273-8255) and say their phone is always on and their house is always open. While that is one step in the right direction, if you haven’t dealt with depression or mental illness before, what you don’t know is that people who are dealing with that incredible struggle, aren’t very likely to step up and say, “Hey, man, I’m really depressed and I need help.” It just doesn’t happen that often; in fact, in my experience at least, that’s really rare.

Why someone won’t open up about his or her struggle with mental illness:

There are a ton of reasons why someone would hide their inner struggles, but when it comes to mental illness in particular, the first thing people need to realize is that the person who is suffering isn’t thinking clearly. They are clouded and overcome by emotion, yet most people know how to hide that to get by day-to-day. Why would they hide it? We have a culture that shuns people as being “crazy” or “weak” if they have a mental illness. They’re afraid they will be labeled and looked at differently. They may also not want someone to worry about them because that might cause them more anxiety or pain.

Every time I tell someone I once struggled with depression or how I have had anxiety attacks, I get a specific look. I’ve come to terms with my past and my struggle. I know that to help other people, I have to be open about what I have experienced. I can’t be ashamed of it. But, that’s always not easy.

Even as I write this, I’m nervous that people will judge me and there will be negative consequences because people who read this will forever view me as weak, or that something is wrong with me, or maybe they won’t trust that I am stable. As a business owner, I’m scared that my current clients might judge me differently or that new business will go elsewhere. Nonetheless, I know this needs to be said.

Here is a list of a few things I’ve heard over the years about mental illness. These are things people have said to me or about me. I share them because it illustrates our culture around mental health. It also illustrates why it would be completely understandable if I never told a soul about my previous struggles and therefore why others might feel the same way:

• I once was denied life insurance because I had been treated for depression… as a teenager.
• A friend of mine very recently said, “I think anyone who is suicidal is weak.” She did not know about my past. That led to an interesting conversation.
• Another friend of mine said, “I think suicide is selfish.” I explained to her that while I understood her point of view, it’s a different kind of selfishness because when you’re in that place, you are 100% being selfish because you can’t get out of your own head. You are consumed by sadness, hopelessness, and despair at every corner. You’re exhausted from being in pain, you feel like a burden, and all you want is to feel normal. And, you’re scared out of your mind.
• Teacher, family members, friends, and peers have whispered, “There she goes crying again” or “She’s so sensitive and overly dramatic.”

Each of these experiences, and the multitude of ones I haven’t shared here, made me question so much about myself and even my worthiness as an individual. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy, stable and strong like everyone else? During those days, I thought about that over and over again. What I have learned is that it’s not worth hiding. What I want to share here, is not only a glimpse into mental illness that may lead to more understanding, but why it’s so important that we pay attention to each other, reach out to each other, and support each other.

By the way, I was lucky enough to receive the support I needed when I needed it and I can attest that my mental toughness and strength—although not without bad days—is a result of enduring and overcoming my own struggles.

What to know about depression:

Depression looks different and feels different for every person. That’s because we’re all individuals and psychology isn’t black and white. Sometimes depression comes from a chemical imbalance, sometimes it comes from trauma, sometimes it comes from genetics, sometimes it comes as a side effect of medication, and sometimes the reason is unclear because it’s a combination of many factors.

What’s important to know is that just because you can’t see depression, that doesn’t mean someone isn’t suffering. However, there are some signs you can be on the lookout for. Here is a list, but I want to caution you that it’s not all-encompassing, and it is most definitely not meant to diagnose anyone, so if you sense that something is off in someone, ask him or her. You may have to ask a few times because they may prefer to hide it. You can also seek the help of a licensed mental health professional to help you navigate how to help your loved one.

• Loss of interest in activities that used to be fun
• Change in performance in school, work, extracurricular activities such as sports, etc.
• Isolation and withdrawing, even from his or her friends
• Lack of motivation
• Seeming out of control or on an emotional rollercoaster
• Trouble making decisions or concentrating
• Racing thoughts
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Wanting to sleep all of the time or not being able to sleep at all
• Change in appetite
• Frequent mood swings and outbursts without warning
• Having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning
• Constantly being scared or worried
• Feeling like they can’t breathe
• Feeling like they want to take off and run away
• Feeling like they’re in a funk
• Poor hygiene
• New physical discomfort such as headaches or stomach aches

How to support someone with depression:

The last thing I want to close with is this: Having watched other people struggle with a mental illness disorder through various points in my life, I can understand how it’s hard to understand it unless you’ve gone through it. Even then, you might have to step outside of yourself, and remove your emotion and perspective, to be there for him or her.

Here are some things that I would tell anyone who is trying to help a loved one through an issue:

• They will probably be scared. Let them know that it’s okay to be scared. It is a scary thing to go through, but things will get better and you’ll be there for them.
• Let them know that they are not alone because depression can feel overwhelmingly lonely.
• Let them know that you appreciate them and love them.
• Let them know that you understand that it must be really difficult and that you support them.
• If they make a mistake or have a bad day, assure them that it’s ok and they will be ok.
• Let them know that you’re not angry.
• Let them know that you don’t think of them differently.
• Help them make an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and offer to take them there. Again, it can be really scary for the person to do that on their own so by offering to help with that, it can bring them some comfort and take some of the pressure and anxiety of getting help away.
• Be patient and know that the best thing you can do is be supportive and understanding.
• Understand that the individual has to want to get help and even then, it’s a long road with plenty of room of slip-ups.
• Know that it’s neither your fault nor your 100% responsibility. Feeling guilty will only make the other person feel worse. Encouraging them to do certain things can definitely help, but it may also mean they are doing those things to appease you. Remember, there’s no one clear cure-all and it’s a process. Don’t give up, but also don’t put all of the blame on yourself.
• Always keep trying and always let them know that you are fighting with them, but understand that you can only do your best.
• Last but not least, take care of yourself because the first rule of any kind of caregiving is to first take care of your own health and balance.

In short, support them through words and through actions. It’s a delicate balance and you may find that you’re repeating yourself, but to that person, who only wants to feel normal again, when you offer a balance of support and normalcy, it can only help.