Flipping the Script on Hurtful Words

I worked part-time as a waitress in a small mom-and-pop restaurant from the time I was 15 until I graduated from college and found a full-time job. One day, one of the other waitresses I worked with—we’ll call her June—told me a story about a customer that I never forgot.

June, who was in her thirties, told this story about a gentleman—we’ll call him Bob—who was probably in his fifties. He came in and sat on a stool at the counter (similar to a bar), which was her section. This customer was a regular and since the restaurant counter sat roughly 12 patrons, chitchat was part of the appeal for both customers and employees. It was the kind of place where it was not unusual for a “usual” to come in and order their “usual.” So, June asked the gentleman, “Hey, Bob, How are you today?” He took a deep breath and as he let out a sigh, he replied, “it could always be worse.” As June told this story to me—only minutes after the exchange took place—she rolled her eyes commenting about how negative Bob was.

I, on the other hand, thought, well, Bob as a point. It could always be worse.

That story has sat with me for nearly two decades. Why was June so bothered to the point that she was nearly insulted by Bob’s response? And, why didn’t it bother me at all? She took it as him being negative and I took it as him being positive.

People respond to words, tone, and body language, differently. Each person processes communication from his or her own eyeballs and the lenses of their experiences.

What stories like this one taught me was that neither June nor I had any real idea what Bob meant by that comment. Instead, we made assumptions based on our own individual judgments.

If you’ve ever gotten angry with someone and they legit can’t figure out why you are mad, maybe you can relate. After you explain whey you’re upset, the person might say something like, “that’s not what I meant at all.”

Same Words, Different Meanings

Mental health is full of layers that ultimately form the lens through which we view life.

For example, if you had a coach tell you you’re slow and fat, you might feel motivated or you might feel defeated. It depends on the individual.

The motivated athlete might be someone who is self-confident and motivated by achievement while the defeated athlete might be someone who has a hard home life or deals with mental health issues that may already have them feeling down.

Oftentimes, words infer so much more than we may even realize. Something that might seem harmless to one person is damaging to another person.

This is something that some coaches struggle with. We are seeing a shift from treating all players as one group to also appealing to the athletes as individuals. It’s one of the reasons that we’re seeing more and more mental health professionals join sports organizations, but it’s just the beginning.

Truthfully, I think most athletes will respond to the “tough love” approach. However, it’s incredibly important to have procedures in place that allow someone on the team the time to get to know players as individuals and then share those recommendations with the coaching staff.

Flipping the Script on Hurtful Words

As an individual, you probably know what it’s like to have words that someone said to you stuck in your mind for years. Maybe those words have haunted you or kept you up at night or made you believe something specific about yourself. Whatever it is, you can let go of them, but you’ll probably need a different perspective. 

If you are still carrying around the weight of those words, think about how you can change your perception. You can explore questions like:

• What is it about them that made them say those things? (As opposed to what is it about me that made them say that.)
• Is it possible that I took it the wrong way?
• What if I was in a different mood when they said what they said? Would those words have had the same impact?
• What if I gave those words back to them? Imagine that they are saying the words, but instead of looking at you, they are looking in a mirror.

To sum it up here, communication is a two-way street but it’s rarely as simple as it seems because the words we speak and our interpretation of those words are flat-out personal, and can hang heavily on where we are mentally and emotionally the moment they are said. As a leader of others or a leader in your own life, if you can learn to open up your viewpoint, you can achieve more clarity.

More athlete mental health resources.