Finding peace of mind amidst panic attacks and heavy self-judgment

I hate this. Why am I crying? I need to cut this shit out. I’m being ridiculous and I have to get back to work so I can’t go down this emotional road. I just can’t. Plus, I can’t let anyone know this is happening. How embarrassing. What kind of a mental health coach am I if I can’t control my own anxiety?

Emotionally, things went amiss. That happens with mental health. Whether you have an illness or a disorder, or not, emotions will catch you by surprise. Mama said there’d be days like this.

Typically, I write about solutions, and this will be no different. But I believe that sharing real-life experiences with mental health struggles are just as important. For one, I hope that if you have experienced this, you don’t feel alone. Secondly, the more we talk about it, the more it’s okay to talk about it.

When you struggle with mental health issues, you have good days and bad days. The bad ones seem to sneak up on you and catch you by surprise.

Needless to say, this day was a bad day. Nothing was “really wrong,” per se. In the previous days I had been feeling overwhelmed and experiencing physical symptoms like stomach aches and even dizziness. I was making big decisions about my business that required me to step into (and eventually through) some fears. But, at this moment, I was face-to-face with walking through the mental fire.

Now, before I get into this story, I want to note here that any text in italics represents my thoughts.

When I face big decisions, I find that my anxiety mindset gets loud. Fearful thoughts are like drawing a moth to a flame for anxiety disorders. And once they get rolling, I typically wind up focused on a fear that things are going to disappear or be taken away from me. In this anxious space, I often think of death and losing loved ones in an unforeseen tragedy. I try to talk myself out of it, but these thoughts and images still pop up, and very vividly I might add (perhaps a disadvantage in being a creative person, but I digress).

I was in the grips of this when my husband walked into my home office to tell me he was leaving for his weekend trip.

The panic took me by surprise because I pride myself on my ability to hide my weaknesses. But, there I was, sitting in my office chair, with my hair in a bun accessorized by a pencil sticking out of it, in my black tank top and jeans, and blue lens computer glasses (my work day uniform). As I heard my husband walk in, I turned around to see him and I began to crumble.

Piece by piece the panic attack began without warning. (I don’t often have panic attacks and they don’t always feel the same.) First, the thoughts came and then the jolt through my body.

That’s it; it’s all going away from this moment forward.

He leaned over to kiss me goodbye and I felt the tears coming into my eyes.

I hate this. Why am I crying? I need to cut this shit out. I’m being ridiculous and I have to get back to work when he leaves so I can’t go down this emotional road. I just can’t. Plus, his buddy is in the living room and I can’t let anyone know this is happening. How embarrassing. What kind of a mental health coach am I if I can’t control my own anxiety?

I looked up at him as he stepped back and I knew he saw it in my face. More tears.

And then I confessed out loud, but not so loud that his friend might hear me, “I’m freaking out.”

As I said the words, my chest began to tighten. WTF! I’ve had anxiety attacks before, and have even gotten really close to passing out from them, but I’ve never had my chest tighten up before.

“Honey, I’m sorry but I think I’m having a panic attack.”

I don’t remember much else at this point except that I was able to communicate that I thought I was having a panic attack. I had to look away and take very slow and deep breaths and reassure myself that everything is really ok. He’s not going to die in a freak accident. This is not the last time I’m going to see him. Why do you put these thoughts in your head, Misty?

All of this was happening rapid-fire simultaneously as I put my hand on my chest to comfort myself.

As I continued with my deep breaths, I focused hard on what was real. Within a few minutes, I began to calm down, but man, was I embarrassed. Even though my husband knows about my struggle with anxiety and is so accepting and understanding, I feel weak and ridiculous. 

Eventually I pulled myself together enough so that I could say bye to him and he would feel comfortable leaving.

It took me nearly the entire day to recover. And, it was a workday so I had to take my time with baby steps really concentrating on one thing at a time. Unfortunately, I wasn’t in a position to take a mental health day, but I was able to take ample breaks throughout the day.

As the day went on, I noticed that even though my breathing normalized and I stopped crying, I couldn’t focus as well as I normally do, I was still a little shaky, and I was flat-out exhausted, yet feeling like I wanted to run to shake it off. Panic attack aftershock is the best way I can describe it. I don’t know if that’s a real clinical thing or not, by the way (remember, I’m not a doctor) but it’s certainly how I felt.

This signaled to me that I needed a real break. “Learn to rest, not quit” is a famous quote that echoed in my mind. I want to continue to walk through these challenges to get to my goal because the pain of remaining where I am is too uncomfortable. But, I can’t do that if I’m immobilized by anxiety, or too busy running away from it.

Luckily, this happened on a Friday so I forced myself to change my weekend plans to recalibrate. I needed to unwind, but also put things in place to check myself when Monday rolled back around.

I spent the majority of the weekend relaxing. I needed a break. The only fortunate part about the timing is that I am one of those people who recharges in solitude. I need my alone time. I did a lot of resting, binge watching silly TV shows, decorating for my home for Halloween (which is my absolute favorite holiday), and even a little cooking. I didn’t force myself to do anything I didn’t want to do for 48 hours.

So, if you’re going through hard times or transitions or anything else that causes you intense anxiety, I want you to know three things.

1. You’re not alone.
2. You should speak up about it.
3. Take extra self-care time to rest and recalibrate with no exceptions.

Want to talk through this more with someone who gets it? Contact me about setting up a coaching session. The first one is free.