Control is a word that is used a lot in sports and in leadership. The irony is that, like all of life, you can’t control the majority of it. No matter how disciplined, talented, or prepared you are, there are things that you simply can’t change. When working with people on mindset, we spend a lot of time examining this as it’s often a difference maker in whether they experience internal peace or chaos, or confidence or doubt.
You can do everything right, and still, it doesn’t work exactly the way you envisioned it. For example, you simply can’t control a bad call, a teammate’s mistake, a choice someone makes, etc. However, this lack of control can feel personal, frustrating, and like you’re failing. The question becomes: how can you deal with things you can’t control?
Someone asked me the other day about controlling the controllables. He told me that he understands controlling what you can, but what happens when someone else does something that you can’t control, yet you’re left to deal with the repercussions.
Here’s what I told him: One of the top causes of suffering is wishing you could change things that you can’t. Suffering is often caused by being in resistance to what is. One secret to controlling the controllables is to accept what you can’t control.
In other words, learn to embrace the chaos.
A few days later, I saw this quote from @thirdeyethoughts on Instagram, “If your peace depends on everything going right, it’s not peace, it’s control. Learn to be steady in uncertainty.”
We crave control because the human brain doesn’t like uncertainty. When something unpredictable happens, your nervous system sends an instant message to the body: “We’re not safe.” This isn’t weakness; it’s wiring.
Your brain is always scanning for threats, and when it senses danger (even emotional danger), it hits the alarm. The amygdala fires, your heart rate rises, muscles tighten, and you go into fight or flight mode, releasing cortisol and adrenaline. It’s the same survival system that helped humans stay alive thousands of years ago; it just doesn’t know the difference between a charging lion, a stressful Monday meeting, or a confrontation.
For some of us, this survival system became the norm when we were kids due to our environment or when we adopted it after a traumatic event (or series of traumatic events). In these cases, it has become a normal part of how we operate, but it’s important to remember that you can absolutely change this. You can train your mind and your physical body to let go of this “safety net” that you have created for yourself, which, in all actuality, is more of a hindrance than a safety barrier.
Most of us were taught early that control equals success and/or safety.
Maybe you heard messages like:
Perhaps you learned that you were only valuable and lovable when you acted a certain way or achieved certain things.
Or, maybe you lived in an environment where you never really felt safe, or it bounced between safety and danger.
Now, when things don’t go according to plan, it can feel like you’ve failed at being who you’re supposed to be or like you’re in danger. This creates incredible tension in your nervous system, but also a cycle of self-blame and anxiety that drains focus and energy.
When you feel out of control, your body might automatically respond due to previous programming and move into one of four automatic states: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
You might:
In sports, this might look like the athlete who suddenly “tightens up” at the free-throw line or practices well, but loses confidence in games. In leadership, it’s the moment you over-explain, second-guess, under-value your time, or over-promise.
These patterns aren’t something that’s wrong with you, nor are they “just the way the way that you are.” They’re the nervous system’s best attempt to keep you safe from perceived danger. Keep in mind that the body doesn’t know the difference between what you’re thinking and what’s happening. In other words, your body responds to real or perceived threats the same way.
The good news is that you can change these patterns.
You can’t overthink your way out of a nervous system response. You have to help your body feel safe again.
The first key is awareness and acceptance. You can’t change what you don’t notice. You can’t have peace without acceptance.
As Louise Hay once said, “If you want to clean the house, you have to see the dirt.”
Start by paying attention:
That awareness is the moment you start to shift from reacting to responding. Secondly, accept it for what it is, whether that’s your emotions or the situation. As my mentor George Mumford likes to remind us, “What you resist, persists.”
When things feel like they are going off the rails, one effective tool I’ve found is tapping, also known as Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). It’s a simple practice where you gently tap specific acupressure points on your face and body while focusing on the emotion or thought that’s bothering you and then reframing it to let it go. It’s sort of like a reset for your nervous system. Tapping sends calming signals to the amygdala, helping you lower stress hormones, among other benefits.
The first time I practiced tapping, I felt ridiculous. It was so odd to sit there tapping on different parts of my body while acknowledging my emotions and reframing them to let them go. However, after a couple of times of doing this, I noticed how calm my mind and body began to feel. It may not be right for everyone, but it definitely helps me reset my nervous system and let go of things that I have held onto for much longer than I should have.
Step 1: Notice the stressor.
Think of one specific situation that feels out of control. It could be something small, like a tough conversation, or something bigger, like uncertainty about your next season, job, or result. Keep it simple and specific.
Step 2: Rate the intensity.
Ask yourself, “How strong does this feel right now?” Use a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being the most intense. This helps you measure your progress before and after.
Step 3: Begin tapping through the points.
You’ll use your fingertips to gently tap on the following points (see guide above), moving through them one by one as you repeat statements. Use the tips of your fingers to tap on each point roughly 5–7 times. However, you don’t have to keep count of how many times you tap on each point.
Start with this setup phrase while tapping on the side of your hand:
Then move through the tapping points, repeating a few short reminders:
Step 5: Take a deep breath.
Pause when you finish a round of tapping. Notice how your body feels. Are there any changes in your breath, heart rate, or tension? Re-rate your intensity level.
Step 6: Repeat as needed.
You can go through this process as many times as you need. Each round helps signal safety to your nervous system and retrains your body to find calm faster.
Tapping helps signal to your nervous system that you’re safe. It’s like turning down the alarm so you can think clearly again. It’s a great way to reset or pause before reacting.
If you’ve never tried it, start small. Tap for two minutes before practice, a meeting, or a tough conversation. The more you practice, the faster your system learns to calm itself.
Another great tool is to remind yourself what you can control. That’s a really simple way to regain your composure in the heat of the moment, or when you’re ruminating on wanting to change the way things are.
Here’s a list that can help:
If you know me, you know I love working with affirmations. So, here’s a list of affirmations that you can also use to help you manage what you can’t control.
Pro tip: When I’m resetting a thought habit, I wear a wristband or stretchy bracelet. Every time I have the negative thought that I’m trying to change, I say my affirmation and snap the wristband as a reminder. The repetition and body connection are super powerful.
Letting go doesn’t mean you stop caring or that you’re not in control. It means you’re able to remain steadfast regardless of what is thrown at you.
One of the best ways to explain this is that when you stop letting people and things push your buttons, you remain in control. You may not be able to change what anyone else does or the environment that you’re in, but you are showing up as your best self with your clearest mindset.
This is not to say that you have to be perfect or emotionless in the face of uncertainty or challenging moments. That’s not realistic. We’re meant to have emotions. Some stress and negative thinking are normal. That’s part of being human.
However, when you can learn to recognize how your mind and body are feeling, you have the ability to reset so that you respond rather than react. Of course, never try to process trauma on your own. Work with a mental health professional who can properly guide you through that.
The key is that the more you train your mindset, the easier it becomes to reset after setbacks, adapt to change, and lead with calm instead of control. Every rep you take in that direction strengthens your inner game.
Build focus, calm, and mental resilience in just five minutes a day. Try Zenletes™ — a free app designed to help athletes and high performers train their minds like they train their bodies. Or, if you prefer to work on this with personalized guidance, contact me about our programs.
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